“For what I work, I know not. For what I wish, that I do not practice, but what I hate, that I do.” Romans 7:15
For quite some time, if I will be honest up to this point, I have spent a lot of years having lacked faith, confidence, and the strength to do the very things that the Most High had ever placed upon my heart to do. I had allowed my emotions to control my decisions and my feelings were always the excuse for my behavior. Every time some challenge had come upon me, it was the very thing that I gave my attention to and there came an overwhelming view that things would never change; as well, neither would I. I wanted out of my situation so bad, yet I lacked the ability to see the answers (vision), and my heart had allowed my very soul to be my truth. The things that I placed little hope in seemed to never take place and for the most part I was going through the same cycle year after year.
What would become of me, if I faced, what I was currently going through?
What would I lose in the process, that I loved so much if I did what the Most High really wanted me to do?
Why did I feel so torn apart by these choices I needed to make?
What if this process was long and the suffering was not something that I was sure I could take?
Why did I feel it was easier if I would’ve just ended it all and caused my death?
If He loved me so, then why did I feel like I was being punished for such an endless mess?
Things seemed so hopeless and overwhelming; I felt alone and I didn’t see a way out.
I wanted to just give up because I couldn’t seem to get around such doubt.
Things that I faced seemed too heavy and as a result it became impossible for me to carry such a burden on my own.
I wasn’t even sure if He had heard my cries; did He understand that my heart ached and that I felt so alone.
This is what I reflected on within my soul and still battle with each day. The lies that fed my soul has been given so much power that it has been a very, very difficult process and continues to be.
In realizing that the Most High wants this blog for His own purpose, even as I type up these words it remains a fight. Tears constantly run down my face; the closer that I got to the presentation of the draft of it, the more depressed my soul seemed. I had a difficult time accepting me; looking at me; and seeing potential in me. Suddenly I felt embarrassed, yet I want to be free; completely disconnected from what the soul has caused my heart to believe.
So this time around, in this adversity, I finally choose to move forward and answer the questions that my soul asks. I want to see why it fights against me so and who I will prove to become as a result. I want to see what the Most High has placed in me and what deliverance this vessel will help bring.
When our trust is wholeheartedly in The Most High, then regardless of what life looks like, we keep pressing. We are given the strength to operate in the ability that’s given by the Father during those moments of pain/hurt; to act on His truth even when circumstances say different.
– Amana Ba Yah