I keep ignoring it, as though it’s something that doesn’t need to exist. I try to go about each day like normal. Yet I still feel, as though there is something missing inside of me. Better yet, it’s not the fact that something is missing, but instead, there is something that needs to come out. I keep trying to isolate it within my soul; which manifests in a way that I am also isolated in the natural. Just the very thought of it almost brings tears to my eyes; I know that it’s something I must do in order to be complete and free. Yet to attempt to let it out, my palms begin to sweat, my heart pounds, and I get nervous because I fear that it doesn’t matter. For the most part; at other times I just get stuck and won’t ‘move’ or act regardless of the possibilities. [If that makes any sense]. At least that’s what I [past] tell myself [calling]. I keep thinking that I am insignificant. As though, if I do not do that which has been placed on my heart to do, it isn’t that big of a deal. Yet it keeps coming up and it won’t leave me alone. [it chases me around] As I search within to figure out exactly why I fear this thing so much, I cannot seem to find the exact answer. I ponder on it and ask myself the question,
“Why are you [past] so afraid of me [calling – Amana]?”
“What if the words that I speak don’t come out right and I’m misunderstood?At times when I speak, my words do not come out good.” [past]
“Why are you [past] so afraid of me [calling – Amana]?”
“What if no one wants to hear what I have to say?I mean, everyone else knows way more than me anyway.” [past]
“Why are you [past] so afraid of me [calling – Amana]?””Does the way that everyone really feels about you really matter?””Could the thoughts that come, be merely false ideas, meant to stop what’s inside from being free?””Why are you [past] so afraid of me [calling – Amana]?”
“What if I fail and don’t even succeed? Maybe I cannot do it; it’s only me. I don’t want to be made fun of; besides I’ll soon be forgotten like an unwanted vision or dream.” [past]
“Why are you [past] so afraid of me [calling – Amana]?””All these are only excuses and lies that you have place before me.””Why is it so much easier for you to give up, before you even try?””Why as soon as you gain a little bit of courage, it suddenly flies right on by?””Why do you speak good into the lives of others, yet struggle to take the wisdom given; home?””Why do you focus on all the hurt and pain that was or still may go on, as if The Most High Yah doesn’t know?””Why not respond knowing you are the “apple of Yah’s eye,” and the battle will always remain to be His?””Why not support Him and agree with all that He has promised, and watch yourself transition into who you were meant?”
[past] “Honestly, I have just learned from so much pain, to hate and sabotage me.””Always felt unwanted because of the way things came to be””On one end seeing beauty but on another feeling nothing but pain.””Never understood why people would throw a precious gem out like an enemy they hate.””Walked all over and yet told there was never meant to be any harm.””Hearing the words ‘I love you’ and receiving characteristics of an enemy from the start.”
“Why are you [past] so afraid of me [calling – Amana]?”
“All these are still only excuses and lies that you have place before me.” “Nothing, even in trials, is a reason to give up on the purpose of Yah that is placed in you to believe.”
“Stop being so afraid of me [calling-Amana] and move forward in spite of it all instead. Slowly but surely all that pain inside will serve its purpose and inside it’s gave you strength; for on this journey through it you have been led.”
Rom 6:16 Do you not know that to whom you present yourselves servants for obedience, you are servants of the one whom you obey…
“Do you want to live your life in bondage and loose at receiving the eternal gift that has been placed?”
Rom 8:13 For if you live according to the flesh, you are going to die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you shall live.
“So reposition yourself, repent, and stop walking in the flesh. While you still have time, today operate in your gift.”
I could go on and on with the excuses that the flesh will place within one’s heart; my heart. Yet as I was thinking on this very notion, Abba Yah brought to my attention to read again about Mosheh and his calling. So I did and here are some of the things that were brought to my attention.
(See [Shemoth] Exodus 3:1-4:1-17)
For the sake of not boring you [there it is] and not to take up too much of your time [here again], I wanted to briefly summarize Mosheh’s thoughts of inadequacy [and mine].
The Most High (TMH) calls him to such a great journey ahead; to deliver His people, Yisrael, out of bondage from Mistrayim [Egypt] and also to be Yah’s voice to teach them His set-apart way of life. Mosheh begins by questioning Yah with “Who am I to do such a thing for YOU” and TMH responds by saying “I AM WITH YOU!” Mosheh then questions, “What do I say?” and “What if they don’t believe me?” TMH then gives him an answer for that as well, along with signs and wonders of His miraculous power [authority]. Mosheh still looks at his own inabilities and speaks of that which he lacks. TMH then responds with His sovereignty and reminds Mosheh that it was He that created ALL things. He tells Mosheh to GO!! Still yet Mosheh looked upon himself and not Yah!!
You can read the rest to see what happens as a result; many of you already know, but my point is that Mosheh kept looking within himself and clearly not at TMH when he first came into his calling for the kingdom [reign] of Yah. It was done to the point of angering TMH and Abba sent his brother with him to be his voice. Yet even in the midst of all of this, TMH didn’t change His mind with what He wanted Mosheh to do; to be Yah’s voice to Yisrael. As Mosheh continued to walk in faith, his faith and confidence in Yah increased so much; he no longer looked at his inadequacy, but instead the ability to do ALL things through Yah.
So accepting this truth about myself; most of my life has consisted of looking at my own inadequacies, inabilities, flaws, etc.. I have had these thoughts, as though what I might know or be able contribute to the kingdom of Yah, might not really be much in comparison to most. Yet no matter who it is that I speak with, everyone seems to see something else. I don’t know why it’s so hard to see that which is great within yourself that others see. I don’t know why it’s so easy to question TMH and see if He might want to use someone else instead [Like Mosheh did]. But He seems to still want to use me for whatever reason that is beyond my understanding. The only thing right now that is pushing me to do that which He wants is the fear of Yah. I do not want TMH to be angered any longer at my questioning His choice [laughing seriously] to use someone like me.
I looked further into what had happened to Mosheh before this conversation about what he was to do for Yah.
Now I am going to share more in other posts pertaining to this, and I hope that you’ll stay with me….to be continued.
Shalom Shalom and Yah Bless!!
AmanaBaYah